After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
