Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
