No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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