Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
