Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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