So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
