My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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