oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
