my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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