Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
