I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
