I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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