i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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