she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
