A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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