I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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