how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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