you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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