Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
