It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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