You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You can't special order awesome
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
