just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
