im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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