omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
