I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
