Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wish you could order shots online.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
