True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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