i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
