I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
