His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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