It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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