I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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