i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
