Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
