ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
