how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
