Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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