my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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