upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
