you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
