Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
