Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
