Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
