I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
