Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
