i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
