Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
