I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
