i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
