We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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