do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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