If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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